A Modest Proposal: A Different Version

I am among the 850 people that attend Jesuit Prep. Each day at Jesuit
Prep, we attend 8 grueling classes with 45 minutes of monotonous teaching
about many subjects. Within each classroom, all the beady eyes of each
student stare off into either space or the hanging clock on the opposite
wall. As the 45 minutes tick away and the teacher rambles about a subject,
the second and minute hand on the clock seem to slow down, then stop their
rotational turns. While the clock appears to stop, often our heads droop
down, at where we are sitting, till they reach a comfortable position upon
our arms which we have placed across our desks. Once this repetitive
classroom sequence of events happens, as is often the case within Jesuit
Prep, we are swept away to our own mental classroom of deep sleep. This
deep sleep is a common occurrence at Jesuit Prep. Yet, every time the
teachers bore us to sleep, our future is hurt by our loss of vital
information to help us continue through High School College. As humbly as
I may, I propose to solve this problem and help the students of Jesuit Prep
enjoy these classrooms of boredom. This proposal, deeply thought out to
solve the common problem of students sleeping and hurting their future
lives and careers is to place table top dancers in every classroom.

I have worked out the details entailing the added cost of these daily
dancing ladies. A well-known friend of mine, who owns a nightclub off of
Harry Hines, was kind enough to divulge the rates per hour that dancers, he
could find for Jesuit Prep, would accept. The amount I was told is $5.00
per hour, ensured that this was a very generous deal by my friend. This
meager hourly wage, times the 7 hours of school, times the 30 classrooms,
and times the 180 class days of school equals approximately $200.00 added
towards each student's tuition. Each student's tuition, currently at
around $5,600 would be raised barely less than 4% to $5,800 per year. As
you can see, the statistics have been thoroughly thought out, the next
question is where to place these table-top dancers. Each classroom
currently has at least one main desk towards the front of the classroom.
Each day the desks are barely touched by teachers and people, as most
teachers use portfolios or briefcases to carry their as nments and papers
with themselves. The desks, therefore being unused, could serve as ample
room for the dancers to take their position and dance throughout the
period. As the administration and teachers understand the positive impact
this creates in the learning curve, further enhancements may be made to
include a metal pole, that can serve to aid the dancers, installed at the
front corner of each room. A famous European friend of mine has
implemented this method of teaching into his courses, with the metal poles,
and continually praises this idea as an excellent way to transfer his daily
information to his students. .

This proposal, thought out in every respect, will influence more than
just the students. Each dancer, by working all day, 5 days a week, is
supplied with a steady job and is kept in the labor force earning a honest
living. The dancers are also able to pick up spending money as cash is
slipped to them by students during class, assuming the child has been
paying attention to the lesson and the teacher allows it. The teachers
will have their students awake and attentive during the period for lessons
and information by offering private dances with the dancers if certain
students behave correctly. As the students learn more information, based
upon this rewarding classroom atmosphere, parents may become more confident
in their child's college search process because of their improved grades.
As the improved grades are returned, no doubt that the school pride and
appreciation will increase as well. Everyone's self-esteem will rise, and
support for other programs will grow.

Although with all of these advantages, there are always people who can
critique any well thought and laid out proposal. Myself, I can only think
of 2 questions, which only the extremely judgmental person may come up in
response to such a grand plan at solving such a problem. Firstly, that the
cost of these table top dancers may seem rather steep. My only retort to
that comment is that there is always a price for improving education,
especially at this level and grand of scale. The children's education
comes first